Dear Tea Party-

Did I hurt your feelings by suggesting you don't have to suck trucker's dicks four-at-a-time to pay for your medication? Does it annoy you that my wife wants kids to grow up healthy, non-spherical members of society? Have I offended you by suggesting that America need not be a writhing, sweaty S&M club where credit card companies and insurers take turns fucking the American people with sharp objects bigger than a fist? If so, I truly apologize. Honestly, it was not my intent that you participate in the conversation at all. Really. You have no intentions of breaking bread with anyone that has the audacity to disagree with you. This behavior that I have displayed is likely to happen in the future, so it behooves you to act now in your own best interests (for a fucking change) and heed the following advice:

1. I intend to be on television in the future. It's best if you simply not watch it anymore. Unplugging it will also help keep your electricity bills down (No shit!).

2. The internet is dangerous to someone like you. It is filled to the brim with people you'd burn at the stake if given the opportunity. Unplug your modem at the first opportunity.

3. Kill yourself.

I only hope that these suggestion provide you with some kind of solace in the near future. Cutting yourself off from those things that upset you really is your best bet.

And if I haven't said it yet, fuck you.

-Barack Obama

P.S. Seriously. Fuck you.