A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?

Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?...

It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

Remember the 3 golden rules:
1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I didn't do it.
3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.

The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.